A NEW BREED OF WOMEN: CHAPTER 4

I was about 20 years old in this picture

A night club was like a playground of freedom, where I did what I wanted without regard for the eyes that surrounded me. Opinions didn’t matter, work didn’t matter. The sadness and loneliness that were always so vividly present, became distant as the euphoric spirits took over me. The lights would flash, ever so brightly. The world transformed as my mind dove into a kaleidoscope filled with striking colors and I, becoming one with the music, was free.

Looking back, I feel like such a fool, but it was my truth at the time. I truly felt free being under the influence of drugs and alcohol. It was all an illusion, an illusion that felt so real, that consumed me.

I had always heard that Jesus came to set the captives free, but I didn’t know that it was possible until He did it for me.

Chapter 4: The Encounter

My journey with Christ began when I accepted an invitation to attend church. At the time, church seemed like an inconvenience because I didn’t want to let go of my lifestyle. Let’s be honest, vodka on the rocks was way faster at relieving me from any negative emotions than a prayer session. But deep inside I knew one thing, that I wanted nothing more than my life to take a different direction than where it was headed. I didn’t want to depend on a drink, a cigarette or a blunt to make me feel free. I wanted to experience true freedom. I wanted to experience real joy and most importantly, I wanted to be happy on my own and not depending a man to make me feel happy.

Nine years later, and all those prayer sessions have been worth it. All the struggles and tough decisions have been worth it. The moment I surrendered my life to God it has been a lifestyle of surrendering daily. And now at age 30, I can honestly say that Jesus is my number one. I don’t depend on drinks or drugs to come to the rescue in tough moments. I don’t depend on my husband or my children to make me feel happy, I’m joyful on my own.

I’m truly free. I learned that true freedom is found in not depending things or people to put a smile on your face. At this time in my life, I’ve learned that we are never in control of anything except how we respond to life and others.

To experience freedom, we can’t be attached to anything that isn’t God’s voice and His promises for our life.

God can set you free.

Make a daily to surrender to him. Just have a conversation with God. Ask him questions. Talk to Him quietly in your mind. God will show up.

God will speak to you through signs, through people and nature. Listen and be attentive. You can encounter Him too if you are willing to surrender.

Pick up my book, A New Breed of Women, on Amazon.

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How Can I Borrow Faith?

There was a time when I believed I would never be focused. I had too many emotions, too many dreams, all going on at the once and I couldn’t process any it of if fully. There was a time when my solution to everything was a drink, a drive to a happy hour. There was a time I thought I would never get married and have a family of my own. There was a time when I lacked faith in myself, faith in others and faith in God.

No matter how much I read the bible or devotionals, or spoke to my mentor, I couldn’t find myself to have faith.

Faith seemed like this nice theory that was seemingly unattainable and difficult to live out. But one day I heard someone tell me the words that ignited a shift in my perspective on faith. It was such a simple statement, but a powerful one nonetheless.

She told me, “If you don’t have faith, borrow mine.”

The word, “borrow” jumped at me and I hung onto it. For days I meditated on this word or should I say for many years. I didn’t understand the concept behind borrowing faith, but what I did know is that it contained mysterious wisdom, waiting to be unlocked.

Now, at 30, I know exactly what she meant.

When we have no faith we gain faith from living out someone else’s experience with faith.

How so?

Let me give you a personal example.

There was a time when I loved the party scene. I loved to drink and get wasted. I was also extremely dependent on men for my happiness. Subconsciously, I believed that to be happy I needed to be in a relationship. All of which are lies. But at one point in time, they were my truths.

As I began to go to church I witnessed many young people living lives free of drugs and other vices. I saw many young women single and were joyfully fulfilled.

I knew in my heart that if many young adults were living this way, then I too could live out a joyful life without the substances or the company of a man.

From this observation I learned three valuable lessons:

  1. I borrowed faith when I decided to believe that if others could be joyful without drugs, alcohol and a boyfriend, then I can live the same way and be content too. But, it required big decisions on my behalf.
  2. While I was using drugs and dating around, I was really chasing happiness. I was pursuing happy moments rather than true joy. The kind of joy found in Christ, where your entire life can be upside down yet there is peace and fulfillment. The kind of joy that produces hope in knowing that God isn’t done with you because His future plans are abundantly amazing.
  3. Deep inside we crave to hear success stories and testimonials of people who find healing, love and joy and success. We crave it because to believe in someone else’s miracle is to borrow that faith and apply to ourselves. We all want to be healed. We want to find deep meaning in our day-to-day. We all want to succeed. And something powerful occurs when we listen to the stories of those whom have overcome and conquered. That powerful occurrence is belief. It’s FAITH.

Faith is active.

When we decide to believe, then we must decide to act.

So, right now if you find yourself not believing in God, not believing that your circumstances can change, not believing that you can be successful etc. Whatever it is that you’re having a difficult time believing, please read and do the following.

  1. Identify your struggles. Write about them. Talk about them. Come clear. Be honest.
  2. Get to the root of the why of your struggles.
  3. Find at least ten books on ten different people who have overcome those giants that you are fighting against. Read about them. Analyze their victories and their actions.

Borrow someone else’s faith and develop your own.

Borrow my faith. Read, “A New Breed of Women.”

Read “A New Breed of Women: Chapter 1

Read “A New Breed of Women: Chapter 2

A NEW BREED OF WOMEN: CHAPTER 3

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I always take a deep breathe when I talk about chapter 3 of my book. Particularly because it can easily be frowned upon by many. It opens a wide door for much criticism and knowing this I wrote it anyway for two reasons: to set the tone for transparency and to be obedient to what God has called me to do.

Before I began to write, “A New Breed of Women,” I thought about all the episodes in my life that marked me and the one’s I had to work through.

Chapter three was one of those chapters where I removed my mask to the world and admitted my desperate attempts at trying to fill my emptiness. I shared my stories because what I felt in those moments in my life are the same feelings and experiences that many young girls are living out today. And like me, they’re probably living similar situations, in silence. They’re the reason why I wrote chapter three, “Beautiful Disaster.”

I wrote this chapter for the young girls that feel in desperate need of love and comfort.

I share my experiences so that you may have the courage to face your skeletons, your hurt, your confusion, and your own shame. I’m here to tell you that there is an anecdote to your emotional neediness. And it will never be found in the drugs that you use, the alcohol you consume, or the men and women that you seek. Your freedom is found in Christ. It’s the word of God that you need to understand who you are. It’s in prayer and in developing a relationship with God, that you find fullness and wholeness.

When the word of God transitions from being words to feelings and encounters, the word becomes life. It’s made flesh. It’s like drinking quenching, cold water on a scorching summer day. The word of God is refreshing onto our soul.

His word became real in my life. His word became my drug of choice, prayer became that go to relationship that I was desperate for. Walking with God daily, helped me see who I was always meant to be. God showed me that my future in Him is bright.

If God did this with me, He can do it in your life. When the word goes from being theories to life, miracles happen. Changes are set in motion. Chains are broken. Past pains are healed.

But it’s all a process. It takes faith, stamina and persistence to walk with Jesus in a transformative process.

And although faith is free there is a price to pay, and that price has a name. The name is, “Courage.”

Choosing to have courage hurts because it requires you to push yourself to your limit. But when you do, God opens doors. God makes himself known to you.

So, know this, you’re not alone. In my book, “A New Breed of Women,” I put my life on blast so that you can understand that there’s nothing to be ashamed of and if you keep your pain and struggles in darkness, they end up haunting you.

Shame and pain want to keep you imprisoned, but Jesus came to set us all free from our destructive, emotional prisons.

Bring all your darkness to light and if you don’t have faith or courage yet, don’t worry borrow my faith. Now, you might be asking yourself, “How can I borrow your faith?”

You can borrow my faith by knowing my pain, my struggles and sorrows. By understanding God’s healing power through my eyes and my life experiences. If he did it with me, He can do it with you.

I tell you this, God is certainly not done with me. I have a long way to go, but as I continue to walk this faith journey, I’m becoming kinder, merciful, empathetic, etc. All because I choose to seek for the renewal of my mind in God’s living word.

And if He’s not done with me, “Guess what?” He is certainly not done with you.

Many blessings to you!

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WORDS UNSPOKEN

Our sex journey begins the moment we identify the differences between the male and the female body. As children, our body parts become this secretive subject that we never speak about. And that’s when curiosity takes over.

Personally, no one ever spoke to me about my private parts nor did I ever have the sex talk. And the fact that I endured sexual abuse at a really young age only made matters worse. I remember little old me staring at the mirror and analyzing myself, not being able to shake off the feeling of awkwardness.

There was also this cloud of shame and guilt that were tied to anything related to the topic of sex and body image, and I couldn’t quite figure out how to make it go away. My view on sexual embrace was negative and as a teenager, it complicated things because I felt pressured. And as we all know, sex is expected in boyfriend and girlfriend relationships. So, I had to give in, right? Or so I thought.

I believed the LIE that I had to have sex if I wanted a boyfriend

Sex took a new meaning when I became a young adult. The act itself became so normal that it was meaningless.

The world teaches us this:

Date around. Have boyfriend. Have sex. Make the relationship work. And if it doesn’t, move onto the next one. Repeat the cycle until you find your ONE.

Only to find out that by the time you find “the” guy, you’ve already slept around with over 5 guys or more.

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A Shift in Perspective

When I began to follow my faith as a Christian, I learned a lot about sex. Two truths transformed my perspective and helped me view sex through a healthy and pure lens.

  1. God created sex to be the consummation of love between a man and a woman in a marriage.
  2. Genesis 2:25 says, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” God never meant sex and our bodies to be a source of shame. God designed sex for us to enjoy with our spouse because He knew what we, as human beings, choose to ignore— when we have sex with multiple sex partners we become desensitized by sex, sex becomes meaningless, we become frigid, selfish and we fall into the comparison trap. These bullies rob us of the beauty, pureness and wonder that sex can truly be.

The problem with our society is that it’s full of depravity. Sex has taken the form of promiscuity, porn and sexualization of everything around us.

Why is this topic important?

There are many young girls walking around believing that they need to have sex. There is a cultural pressure to engage in sex. And those are the same girls that are walking around with negative views on sex and they go into marriage where many issues are developed surrounding the topic of sex. For males, we live in a culture where being a man is measured by how many sexual encounters a man has. This is a lie that all of our young boys believe.

Time to Educate & be Educated

Our families and our children need to adopt healthy perspectives on sex. This requires conversations. We need to talk about it more.

It’s time to educate ourselves through the word of God. We need to do our own research and understand God’s design for sex. We need to spend time in retrospect and dig for the hidden and buried views that we have about sex.

Go back to when you were a child and first experienced curiosity about your body. Travel back in time when you first discovered what sex was. Write down what you thought and what you witnessed because those first ideas and images, relating to sex and one’s body, marked your overall beliefs and perspectives on the topic.

It’s important that we help our children learn about their bodies in a shame free environment. We need to affirm them in that they are beautiful, that their bodies are a temple, and should be guarded. Let’s make their first discoveries about sex pleasant and link them to positive notions. Because it’s time to raise a generation that won’t spend their time recovering, but rather thriving.

Let’s set the best example and work towards change.

Together we can cause a shift in this generation by raising a new breed of kids. It starts with us. Women, we need to change the game. We need to stop being so accessible. We need to surrender to God. It’s time to view sex through a clean lens.

It’s time to become, “A New Breed of Women.”


Read more about sex and how we are desensitizing children.

A NEW BREED OF WOMEN: CHAPTER 2

Parents shape us. Parents create our home environment; they set the standards. They set the mood. And unfortunately, in my case my parents weren’t in agreement on the lifestyle and culture that they wanted to create in our home.

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Home is everything for a child.

When children live in a broken home, they adopt that broken image as their own. The brokenness automatically becomes part of their identity, creating insecurities.

Chapter Two: Home

In chapter two of my book, “A New Breed of Women,” I share one episode of my childhood. And that was only one from many other incidents just like it.

My father was an alcoholic and dealt with anger issues so, every time that he would drink, he ended the evening with a violent outrage. It was painful to see his outbursts and it was even more hurtful to witness my mom receive the lashing of all his insults.

Like me many of you haven’t had peaceful upbringings. You may have witnessed violence, drug use, alcoholism or abuse of different kinds. And what ends up happening is that we never deal with the pain that those memories carry, or we decide to block them out completely.

I’m here to tell you that to have a better present and a healthy future, you must deal with what us at the root of whom you are. New seeds need to be planted for you to give good fruit. The old must be put to death and the new must come to life, and flourish.

Choose to deal with your daddy issues today. Speak to that little girl that you once were. Go back in time and write about the childhood experiences, especially those experienced that made an negative mark in your life, since it was in those moments that you gave birth to rage, anger and resentment.

A Letter to Myself.

There was a time when I wrote a letter to that little girl that I once was. I remember the moment that I wrote the letter because I held one image in mind, and that was me sitting in a corner next to a dresser crying and pleading God for a different life. That image was so clear and I remembered how alone I felt. I held that image in my mind as I wrote a letter to little old me. This letter was extremely helpful because I was able to comfort that little girl that still lived inside me. I was able to tell her all the things that I wanted to hear then. And the upon finishing that letter to myself, I felt a release, a relief; I was free to forgive.

I encourage you to write that letter to that little girl that still lives in you; that lives in your memories.

We are not free until we can visit our past and be at peace with it

Release

Release yourself from all the strongholds from the past. Get alone with God and read His scripture. Ask Him to show you which way you should go and he will surely put a thought in your mind of an episode that made an impact in your life. Take yourself to that memory and as you relive it, surrender the pain onto God. He will heal you.

Choose to forgive.

You can’t be free unless you release the anger, resentment or frustration connected to hurtful episodes in your past.

Be free. Free to love and experience real joy. There is hope in Jesus.


Get your copy of my book, “A New Breed of Women,” and leave your review.

Read about Chapter One on my previous blog post.

Our Parenting Culture Sucks!

As I put my kids to bed I began to reflect on how my day went and as always, I ask myself one question at the end of the day, “Did I make my son feel visible?”

I guess this is important because when I was a little girl I felt invisible. For the most part my mom was always consumed with all the house chores. I mean who can blame her, the lady had to get it done and I understand that, but somehow, I would have preferred to live in a messy home in exchange for memories and moments of engagement.

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Focus in on innocence

My thoughts continued to evolve and as I stood there watching my children sleep soundlessly. Their innocence represents an inexplicable beauty. I can’t help but think about the children who take the unleashing of their parent’s frustrations. I couldn’t help but think of the children that feel sad and alone.

Why is that we use our children as emotional punching bags?

Children are treated unfairly.

We acknowledge their vulnerability and we abuse our authority.

We force, push and shove our children as if they were objects and not people.

No one should be coerced, pushed, shoved or mistreated, so why do we do it to the most vulnerable, our own kiddies.

Bullies detect the most vulnerable target before they engage in bullying. Sadly, parents can be undetected bullies.

Our Culture

Today I remembered the few times that I yelled at my son for not using the toilet when he had just turned two. I remember the one time that I yelled at him for not wanting to sleep in his own bed. I remember those moments so clearly because those were the moments that God spoke to me the most.

As parents we need to be conscious that every child is different. Children should experience the world and develop at their own pace and not at the pace we choose for them.

Children have the right to experience and discover life, fear-free

We forget or don’t realize the things we do or how we act towards our children because our main concern is to mimic what other parents accomplish with their children.

Parenting is not a competition it’s a learning experience. An experience that should take its course and not be rushed.

Sleeping with our kids

Society tells us that we need to force our kids to sleep by themselves as soon as they are born. This belief is screwed up. Babies need to feel mom constantly especially after being born and having been in the womb for nine months.

People want to forcefully, make babies adapt to cribs and regulated sleeping habits and other nonsense, as if they were robots. This is ridiculous. Babies should be nurtured and it’s us who need to accommodate ourselves to our little ones.

We need to develop patience

There is no such thing as spoiling a baby with too much love, or too many hugs or holding onto them for long periods of time.

These are broken beliefs. Babies need security and the warmth of our arms.

Children need love and affection, and most of all, empathy.

Our toddlers need all the love we have to offer along with firm and loving discipline.

As I look at my four-year-old and my five-month-old baby sleeping in my bed, I think to myself, how wonderful they must feel to fall asleep with mommy and daddy. How secure they must feel knowing that they are accepted and not rejected.

Children grow and there comes a time when the tables turn. They will be doing all the rejecting while we’re the ones seeking for their attention and engagement.

Change

Let’s change this culture by changing our broken beliefs. You and I can change the world by renewing our minds, becoming conscious of our actions, and raise children who are loved, accepted and empowered.

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A NEW BREED OF WOMEN: CHAPTER 1

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Why did I write my book?

For people to have courage they must first see courage in others. Courage and boldness are contagious.

I wrote my story because I know that many people want transformation. They possess a desire to change, but most people are not willing to put in the work because they lack patience and patience is everything.

The work is painful at times and truthfully most of us dodge pain.

We live lives self-medicating ourselves because we runaway from our feelings. We want to be numb and not care because caring means that we must become vulnerable all over again, but that’s key.

“To heal you must feel”

How did I feel about writing the first chapter?

This is a question I’m getting quite often. Truth is that the first time I wrote it I cried, but I didn’t cry because I was hurt. I cried because I felt free.

I’m free from the pain that memory once brought. I’m free from the shame that once imprisoned me.

To be honest, after reading the incident over and over again during the editing process, I felt as though I was telling a story that was not my own.

Why, you might ask?

Because there were no emotions attached to that moment of pain. The pain that once existed in my heart has now been healed. In fact, as I read the incident over and over again, all I could think of were all the little girls that are presently experiencing sexual abuse in silence.

I wrote this for you.

I wrote this first chapter for those young girls who have gone through sexual abuse. I want you to know that I too felt shame and was paralyzed by fear. I too felt guilt. I too felt alone and trapped, but I’m here to tell you that there is real healing and it is found in Jesus.

I wrote my first chapter so that you can revisit your own experience, but this time around invite God to all of your sadness. Ask God to walk with you as you visit those thoughts. Tell Him how you feel and ask Him to enter your life and heal all those childhood scars. There is power in speaking your truth.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10

For many, Isaiah 41:10 is only a simple bible verse and may even be seen as an empty promise. But, God’s word always comes to life in the midst of our struggle and our pain. His power is manifested in our lowest moments because it’s when we are hopeless that we turn to Him. God is our last resort, when He should be our first option. Today make God your first option.

To get your copy my book Click Here.

There’s Power in Speaking Truth

Writing a memoir isn’t easy.

To expose your life on the raw and in an unmanicured way puts you in a vulnerable place.

I’ve learned to be completely honest about who I am for two reasons.

  1. I’m here to testify what God has done in my life.
  2. I know that many women and young girls are able to identify with some of the things that I’ve been through. So, since my process towards healing and overcoming obstacles can help, I speak.

There’s power in being open. There’s power in being real. My struggle can help you have courage. My solution may be your solution too.

When we speak and choose to bring things to the light, it no longer has the power to haunt us.

When we share our stories,

We build a support system that can keep us walking on this journey called life. It gives us hope. It gives us a glimpse of what’s possible.

A New Breed of Women

It’s time to speak. Time to share our internal battles. We aren’t alone. We have each other.

Here’s my story.

Am I spoiling my child?

It was 9 p.m. at night when my son asked his daddy to play with him. So, my husband began to hookup the Wii, but then noticed that it wasn’t working properly.

After spending 30 minutes trying to make the Wii work, he got frustrated and told our son his favorite words…

“Forget it let’s go to Target and I’ll buy you the Nintendo Switch

As I heard this, I had mixed feelings:

  1. I was happy that my son was going to get the Nintendo Switch, which he had been asking for especially when he’s enjoyed playing it at his cousin’s house.
  2. I didn’t want my husband to buy him the Switch because I knew that by doing so, we are spoiling our sense and wiring him with a sense of entitlement.

“It feels great when our children ask us for something that we know we can give them. I’m sure God feels the same way, but he doesn’t shower us with blessings that we can’t handle. Same goes for children.”

I understood three things on this evening.

  1. Overindulging my son with toys will not only spoil him, but will not allow him to appreciate what he has. Read whether or not your kids need a variety of toys.
  2. Giving him to a lot of toys won’t necessarily keep him busy.
  3. Instead of being appreciative over what he has he is becoming entitled.

Scarcity is a good thing and so is boredom. 

As stay at home mom, I feel responsible for keeping him busy and entertained most of the day, which is why allowing him to possess a load of toys seems like the right choice so that he won’t be bored. This is a lie that we believe. 

“I remember being a little girl and having a handful of Barbie’s and dolls, that I would play with over and over again. I never felt the need to have more because I had what I needed to keep me entertained. Sure, I wanted more, but I never asked for toys unless I was asked.

If we want to raise children that are grateful for what they have, we must eliminate massive toy buying and make sure that the toys that we do buy, breed creativity, requires imagination and encourages pretend play.

I’m determined to clean my son’s room, get rid of many of his toys and make sure to rearrange his room. I will share the before and after pictures of his room very soon 🙂 Join me as I clean house and work on unspoiling my child.

 

The Love Dare: Days 9, 10 & 11: Fail

It’s funny how every time that I plan to do something nice for my spouse, intentionally plan on being extra sweet, giving more kisses or greeting him with enthusiasm, it all just goes down the drain.

The Love Dare has a been a huge blessing because it has really forced me to be intentional and has given me suggestions of what being intentional looks like on a daily basis. I like that I can follow this plan, but the more I follow it the more I feel like there is so much that I have to work on, and it’s only the beginning.

Day 9, 10 and 11 have been a complete fail for me because although I try to be intentionally kind, the minute that I feel let down or I feel frustrated by my husband’s actions, the whole kindness intention goes out the window.

I mean, am I the only person that goes through this?

I’ve realized that the minute I feel mad at my husband for the dumbest thing it throws me off and I can no longer go back to being intentionally kind. I hold grudges, I’m extremely resentful and truthfully, if I disregard the frustration caused by my spouse, and get back on this whole love dare plan, I feel completely bipolar.

How do you get over things quickly without feeling completely bipolar?

I found the answer. The key is being merciful. Having mercy is not being bi-polar, although it may feel like it during a heated moment. I recognize that just like him, I also make many mistakes and half the time I never apologize for them.

And then I experienced an Aha moment on Day 11

When you mistreat your spouse you’re actually mistreating yourself. When you curse your spouse you’re actually cursing yourself. Genesis 2:23 confirms that this is true.

“Bone of my Bones”

When we decide to come together and marry our husbands, we become one with them.

To love him is to love myself. To extend kindess to him it’s like doing so to myself.

We really have to think of ourselves as one with our husbands. This can totally change the way we react to them, the way we respond, what we do and how we go about dealing with marital problems. Team of one.

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Read The Love Dare: Days 6, 7, & 8.