Married Yet Alone

There was a time when I used to think that being married eliminated feelings of loneliness.

There was a time when I used to think that marriage would solve my need for companionship.

Oh, was I wrong.

Being married and being in a Christian marriage has made me confront the fact that my husband will not always provide me with the emotional support that I seek.

The biggest revelation that I have received this year is understanding that my husband is not fully responsible for not being able to fulfill my needs, when he himself has deep emotional wounds to heal, and he doesn’t even realize it.

We all have baggage. We all have past issues that we have not yet confronted and healed.

And until my husband faces those issues, truth is, that he will not be able to fulfill my emotional needs. That’s where mercy comes in. I must be Christlike and be merciful and pray for him. This is easier said than done of course. Praying for him can become redundant and exhausting. My reality is that although I pray and have hope that God will transform him into the man that He has called him to be for me.

There is a PROCESS and the PROCESS isn’t pleasant, but it’s necessary for both of us.

Through my marriage God has shown me that at one point or another we all seek to be saved.

We seek for family to save us from the issues that we face. We seek for a man’s love and admiration to save us from feeling insecure and worthless. We seek for husbands to comfort us and fulfill our every need. We seek for friends to give us a sense of belonging. We seek for cigarettes to save us from our anxieties. We hustle and go after money to save us from feeling unsuccessful because we rate success by how many things we accumulate.

You get the point. We all seek to be saved from a situations, unpleasant feelings, and circumstances.

In my case, I feel lonely, but I seek for comfort in God’s word because God says that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I receive confirmation through God’s word that he created me for a purpose. He created me with a plan and a mission for me execute in this life. Knowing these truths encourages me and removes all feelings of loneliness because if God is with me I’m not entirely alone.

We are all human. We will fail each other. We will disappoint each other.

BUT God is always good. God is omnipresent. He is enough to fulfill the deepest voids that we will ever face.

We all need a savior whether we are married, single, young, old, strong, weak, etc.

So if we all need a savior, then we can’t save each other.

We need God. We need Jesus to save us from ourselves.

So, if this is you, whether you’re married, in a committed relationship or single and feel immense feelings of loneliness… This is normal. You’re normal. And if your Christian and you are surrounded by religious people who tell you that if you truly have Jesus in your life then you shouldn’t feel lonely, know that, those words are lies. I’m open about my feelings because I’m tired of Christians portraying Christianity as a bullet proof vest.

We will all face moments of loneliness especially in our walk with Christ.

What I’m telling you is that the biggest mistake that we can make is to seek for comfort and to fulfill feelings loneliness by turning to others, by turning to work, food, etc as our primary source of temporary fulfillment.

Turn to God. If you don’t know where to start, start by downloading a Bible App called YouVersion.com. This is a practical way of reading God’s word and it’s how I started learning about God and the role He plays in my life.

In this app you can read on many different topics such as depression, loneliness, prayer, purpose, and many other topics that can help you understand what God’s word says about the moments that you face.

Know that you’re not alone.

And even if you feel alone, it is possible to feel fulfilled. It is possible to experience joy even when you are married and the person that you’re married to cannot fulfill your emotional needs. It’s okay. Walk through this process hopeful and knowing that God is in control. Fight in prayer and intercede for your circumstances because this too shall pass.

Thank you for reading. God bless you!

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How do men view the women of today?

Lately I have approached young men to make conversation and ask them about their love lives. I have been curious to find out how they view commitment and their perception of women in our world today.

Sadly, I have noticed a similar pattern.

The guys that I have randomly approached have different backgrounds and different lifestyles, but they all had similar things to say with regards to women. Like….

  • You can’t tell the difference between a good girl and a h**
  • Nowadays most women and young girls dress up to show off their goods yet demand respect when men look, so why do they dress half-naked & call our attention
  • Women live pure contradictions like not wanting men to only use them for sex yet their image sends all the wrong signals
  • They way women dress and the way they act is like they’re practically asking to smashed & laid
  • There is no such thing as women who wants real love. What they really want is a dude with money and a nice ride
  • Girls want to milk you for all you got and then move on to the next one
  • Women only want men who look good to make them look good
  • All that women want to do is party and chill with their friends, go clubbing
  • Women like to live the fast life

 

After speaking to many different guys and hearing similar statements, I was really saddened by the feedback that I received about how WE are being viewed.

WE women are at fault for how men see us.

I had to admit to myself that I too, at one point, have referred to men as being a bank. It’s true that we may be a bit too materialistic especially now, when appearance, fashion and beauty are at the top of our priorities.

I admit that some of us may dress, practically in the nude, to turn heads not caring whether or not we are calling the attention of married men or teenagers struggling with porn addiction.

I admit that some of us do speak with foul language and we do or have engaged in pornographic sex talk even in front of our little ones.

I remember that, through my early twenties, I was really promiscuous, I dressed super revealing  just because I wanted attention and admiration. I was naive in thinking that love at first sight would manifest itself in my life, based on my looks. All that time I appeared confident on the surface, but on the inside I was an insecure mess. I based my beauty on what I would wear, how I did my makeup and how I styled my hair. I remember that during that period of time in my life, I spoke of sex in front of guys as if it were a sport. To the outside world my words were indicators that I was this careless party that did not care much for commitment. Yet, all I yearned for on the inside was to be loved and to find that one special person.

I was sending all the wrong signals and I realized that this is exactly what is happening with our women today.

This may be the case for many of the young women and young girls that these males are encountering.

It’s time that we flip the script and choose to change and be transformed on the inside.

We need to heal from our past pain. We need to heal from the negative words that have been spoken over our lives, that have left us with deep insecurities.

We need to turn to our number one healer, Jesus Christ.

In him we can find our true identity and the core essence of who we are called to be.

We are called to be respectful, honorable and gentle women. We have been called to respect our bodies and be wise with the words that we speak. We must respect ourselves for men to respect us.

We set the standards for how we want to be treated, but we cannot continue demanding respect when we come out of the house dressed like we work at a strip club.

Our little girls are watching us. Our little boys are watching in us mothers how women should be and we set the standard for what they need to look for.

Let’s build a new generation of women that are worthy of honor and praise. A generation of women that feel beautiful not because of what they see in the mirror, but rather because of the transformation that is taking place in their heart, through the word of God.

Change starts with you, how you decide to speak, dress and welcome others.

Thank you for reading.

God bless you!

 

 

Christian, Depressed & a Hospital Bed

People think that because I’m Christian my life is bulletproof.
People believe that because I’m Christian my life should be close to perfect and that’s far from the truth.

People are not accepting the Christian faith because of the many Christians that portray the Christian lifestyle as this peaceful, hopeful, loving joyride.

This is far from the truth.

I’m tired of Christians living manicured lives, myself included at some point.

My life isn’t perfect.

I go through many struggles and probably even more than the person who does not have a relationship with God. I have gone through moments of depression, moments of loneliness, moments where I do not feel that God is listening to me and moments where I want to quit my faith walk.

BUT I don’t QUIT because it’s been in my darkest moments that I have seen God the most.

I want to confess TODAY that as a Christian woman who lives a pretty strong prayer life, I endured a terrible marriage crisis.

I felt hopeless and depressed. Although I went to church almost 5 times a week, listened to Christian music and I persisted in prayer, my sadness failed to dissipate. In fact, it grew into a little monster that led me to have a drink every night while I cooked. Although this seemed innocent at the time, it fed my need to blur out my reality. However, it was only temporary and fake fulfillment of course.

One night, I got so wasted and my anger and rage took the best of me, I had one too many that I ended up in a hospital bed. What’s even more crazy is that my sister told me that although I was completely wasted and overflowing with tears and pain, I prayed and interceded for myself.

I realized that as Christians we will have moments of weakness. We will have moments where WE WILL fall into a deep hole. We will have moments where we won’t see the answer right away.

I recognized that simply because we pray, we love God, attend SERMONS and are committed to our church, none of those things qualify us as UNTOUCHABLE Christians.

Our weak moments will creep up. We will not always be victorious. That’s why we can’t be to sure that we got this Christian lifestyle figured out. Over confidence in your faith walk is dangerous.

I realized that there will be moments where I will give in to my weaknesses which drives me to be more vigilant.

It’s important to keep praying, keep pressing forward, keep speaking truth to others and continue to live an un-manicured Christian lifestyle.

I’m not perfect, but that won’t stop me from pursuing a relationship with God.

I am forever His and unashamed.

Unmanicured Life

I believe in the importance of being an open book because a life well lived is one where we are open about who we are at the moment.

Life isn’t the fairy tale that people create across their Instagram, myself included at one point.

It’s time that we show who we really are, our real lives, our struggles and as well as the highlights.

More and more I feel convicted to share details about my struggles because my story can help women feel reassured that they’re not alone. The more open I become about my troubles, the more I may influence others to remain hopeful in the most hopeless situations.

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We are living in a world appearances are everything. Appearances are altered, filters are added and nudity is a form of fashion.

We are living in times of pure contradictions.

People say that they are trendsetters, yet they dress and try to look like Kylie.

People say that they are unique makeup artists, yet they all copy each others techniques.

People say that beauty is what’s on the inside, yet they focus on getting plastic surgeries to arouse attention without caring who they are attracting.

People say that they are unique yet everyone looks the same. Same ambitions, same goals, same hustle, same makeup, same clothing style, same hairdos, same surgeries and same poses on social media.

We are living in a world of mannequins. We work so hard on trying to display the perfect image while disregarding that what needs to be polished most is our hearts and our true intentions.

I’m not saying that I’m against plastic surgeries, makeup, styles and trends.

What I am pointing out is that we live in a world where we are all followers and individual distinction is needed.

What I am saying is that we need to focus on working on our inner self and remove the shame, guilt, past pains, resentment, lack of unforgiveness, hate and lack of love for others.

The removal of all these poisons will lead to true joy and fulfillment, then everything else will follow ESPECIALLY self-confidence.

In the end that is what we all seek for. We are constantly on the pursuit for happiness without understanding that we can be fulfilled by first working on polishing our inner self and all else will follow.

Parenting… Why it’s important.

The way you are raised determines who you become. Parenting has a major influence in your character. Our parents’ actions teach us how to deal with situations. Their actions teach us about integrity, about love, on how to speak to others, and how to respond to obstacles, etc.

TO ME parenting is leaves a deep mark in our hearts and soul. Parenting can either lead is to become needy people and lead us to becoming adults that dangerously crave love among other things. Parenting when done well can help children become independent and confident as adults.

Parenting can either propel people to become the best version of themselves or can produce broken adults whom are seeking to constantly recover from their insecurities instilled in childhood.

When I was a child my father never paid attention to me unless he was drunk. My mother did spend time with me, however, most of the time she was preoccupied with house chores that I felt ignored. Therefore, I lacked attention and my need for love from my father grew into a huge whole in my heart. This whole became unbearable and when my teenage years came around I thought that a boyfriend or boyfriends could fill that whole, but I was wrong because IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH. My love tank was always running on empty because I realized that I was giving away more love than what I was receiving. That’s when I turned to drugs and self-medicated.

Back in 2013, when my son was born, I decided to do my research on parenting.

I found that the first thing that I had to do to raise a healthy child and honorable man, the first thing that I had to do was work on myself.

I had to face my wast once again and find out which insecurities were instilled in me by my parents and how to stray away from committing the same mistakes.

Today I look at my parents with eyes of love and mercy because they did not know any better. They did what they could with what they were taught. I also have forgiven the man who abused me because that also instilled in me another load of insecurities, and for the glory of God I have overcome many and continue to overcome others daily.

Keep becoming a better version of yourself, for you and to give your children the opportunity to live a childhood that’s an upgraded version of the one that you lived.

The time is NOW, 2017!

-M

Instagram: @ivmana

Addictions

What’s funny about addictions is that you do not view them as addictions. In fact, we believe they are just habits or something harmless that we do to relax and or simply because it’s enjoyable.

However, addictions can be extremely harmful and can begin from drinking a few martinis every weekend, to smoking cigarettes on occasion, trying weed for the first time, to having sexual relations with multiple partner, to watching pornography once or twice, among many other things.

My go to comfort was drinking because I enjoyed dwelling in the sensation of carelessness and freedom. So much that it consumed my more than my weekends leading me to consume drugs because the alcohol just wasn’t enough.

I had this immense emptiness that I did not want to recognize. I chose not to recognize the void that I had in my heart. I did not want to admit that I wanted wholeheartedly to be loved. I wanted wholeheartedly to be admired and to feel a sense of belonging.

I fed my emotional hunger with substances and pointless relationships that led nowhere. The truth is that I did not know how to satiate this never ending thirst for more and for a true love.

What I failed to realize is that this thirst was born in childhood.

As a child I yearned to feel loved by my father yet he did not recognize my needs.

This yearning lingered as a grew and never left me. The yearning into emptiness that needed to be filled.

Many people live their lives with this great void that they’re not even aware of which leads them to seek for many avenues pursuing to fill that whole deep in their soul.

This is Part 2 of my story.

Clouded by Thoughts of Doubt Continued…

It’s easier to walk in doubt and easier to give up than it is to press forward and keep believing in God’s plan for you.

I’ve have faced countless moments in my life where all that consumes my mind are doubts. Doubts about what I’m destined to do in life or what truly is the mission that God has laid out for me. My thoughts are not clear sometimes. After months of facing doubt I have understood that doubt is necessary in order to help us question how we live life on a day to day. Doubt helps us question our motives behind our actions.

Are we sincere? 

Are we doing things for the right reasons?

Are we living lives seeking for joy or are we living in pure JOY? (two very different things)

These questions have helped me identify that my mission in life is not to bring attention to myself, but rather to highlight the special being that has transformed me.

Our mission in life deals with empowering others in Christ and to empower others in their life’s purpose. Most importantly, WE ALL HAVE A STORY TO TELL.

Your story may help someone heal.

Your story can help someone overcome an experience or a negative emotion.

If you are facing a season of doubt especially in regards to your future and where you are heading… I urge you to embrace the moments of doubt because there you will discover many things about yourself and it’s a perfect time to invite God into your life, your plans and your most intimate desires. 

God will bring clarity when you are ready to see what lies ahead of you.

It’s all about being ready for what God has for you.

Maritza

Clouded by thoughts of Doubt

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Every day is the same battle for me. Doubt clouds my thoughts. I have doubts of all types and it’s as if DOUBT has taken on human form and is someone that I seem to be trying to fight off every day. I’m a stay at home mom to a 2 year old boy and the two roles of being a wife and a mom keep me plenty busy. In addition to that I also attending school online which can be time consuming and keep me busy as well.

But then there are those moments that I find myself thinking about how my life has turned out. These moments consume me and for some reason they always happen when I’m driving and when I take my son to the park. At times I feel that as a stay at home mom I’m investing time in the most important job in the world which is being a mother to a boy whom will later be an active member of society, but other times I feel so unproductive all because I don’t work outside my home at an actual job. I question my purpose in life, I compare my successes to others, and I feel like mine don’t amount to much because my job as a stay at home mom does not produce an actual income.

All of these encounters with Doubt leave me exhausted and unhappy, leading me to question my abilities and talents. I question whether or not what I have to say matters. I love writing and speaking to others about Jesus, His love and what God has done in my life. Deep inside I know that my purpose is linked to speaking to the youth & young adults about God, but I experience too many moments where I doubt this purpose. I doubt whether God uses me when I speak, I doubt God’s purpose for my career. Mostly, I feel a burning desire to be that successful business woman that I always see hidden within me, but the doubt seems to always win over the thoughts of faith and belief.

I feel like I’m torn in half between faith and self-doubt.

To be continued….

I pray, but God doesn’t respond…

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I have moments of frustration. Moments when I pray and worship and although I feel at peace I’m left hoping to finally receive the answer I’m looking for or atleast a sign. This hope turns into impatience and frustration as I face the same issues day after day, week after week and still I see no change or miracle to my circumstances. God revealed something powerful to me this week. He showed me how he is always in control and always present although it might not seem like it and its because he allows us to go through moments of silence that he is trying to show us the side of him that is not only the provider of changes & miracles, but rather a father that comforts us and gives us peace through any storm or dry period in our walk with him. I’ve decided to sit back and although I feel pain I will dwell in his presence by seeking for him through prayer and worship.

Women today seek to stimulate men and attract attention to themselves via their sensuality…

More and more I see women becoming shrines that symbolize lust, sensuality and an intense need to be provocative to all men. This is not a demonstration of strength, instead it shows how weak we are to surrender to the inner need for attention and the need to show the world our bodies. Women feel the need to flaunt beauty in a sensual form and this is far from what we should be doing.

Beauty is not a certain body type and it’s certainly not sensuality. Beauty is the way we carry ourselves with poise and elegance. Beauty is loving others and being helpful to those in need. Beauty is also being compassionate and always serving as an open ear to hear out those who are hurting. True beauty is loving yourself enough not to, practically, beg for attention through vulgar pictures of your most intimate parts that should be reserved specifically for your husband. That is beauty.

Beauty is being reserved, slow to speak and kind. This is not what the world tells us. All around we find women parading themselves as an attractive toy waiting to be used by men.

I do not know about you, but deep in my heart I desire to be loved by one man, who honors me, admires me and respects me in every way. Women are expecting this, but they send the wrong message with the way they present themselves.

It’s time that the eyes of women be opened to the reality that to be weak is to give in to your lustful desires, but to remain still and know what you are worth, is to go against the current of women who are like sensual shrines seeking desperately for attention. If only they would know that the less clothes they wear and the more skin they show, the more they scream out to the world their internal need for attention and acceptance.

We need to raise an army of women that believe in honor, respect for themselves and for all the husbands that are out there.

“By remaining and dressing in a conservative manner I’m not only reserving myself for my husband, in fact I’m honoring myself, my husband, and I’m also helping married and single men from committing adultery and pursuing lustful thoughts with my body”

God bless those women who seek for the Lord, who stand for purity and honor.