Every day is the same battle for me. Doubt clouds my thoughts. I have doubts of all types and it’s as if DOUBT has taken on human form and is someone that I seem to be trying to fight off every day. I’m a stay at home mom to a 2 year old boy and the two roles of being a wife and a mom keep me plenty busy. In addition to that I also attending school online which can be time consuming and keep me busy as well.
But then there are those moments that I find myself thinking about how my life has turned out. These moments consume me and for some reason they always happen when I’m driving and when I take my son to the park. At times I feel that as a stay at home mom I’m investing time in the most important job in the world which is being a mother to a boy whom will later be an active member of society, but other times I feel so unproductive all because I don’t work outside my home at an actual job. I question my purpose in life, I compare my successes to others, and I feel like mine don’t amount to much because my job as a stay at home mom does not produce an actual income.
All of these encounters with Doubt leave me exhausted and unhappy, leading me to question my abilities and talents. I question whether or not what I have to say matters. I love writing and speaking to others about Jesus, His love and what God has done in my life. Deep inside I know that my purpose is linked to speaking to the youth & young adults about God, but I experience too many moments where I doubt this purpose. I doubt whether God uses me when I speak, I doubt God’s purpose for my career. Mostly, I feel a burning desire to be that successful business woman that I always see hidden within me, but the doubt seems to always win over the thoughts of faith and belief.
I feel like I’m torn in half between faith and self-doubt.
To be continued….