Watch “A Prayer for your Marriage” on YouTube

Marriage is a blessing, but it definitely comes with a process.

When we get married we don’t realize that it takes hard to work to make the marriage work.

We don’t realize that the bad times will really make us want to quit.

We fail to realize that love is not an emotion, it’s a decision.

If you’re going through a tough time in your marriage it’s time to pray and declare blessings.

It’s time to declare unity, joy and peace.

It’s time to decide to love your spouse everyday.

One prayer at a time. One kiss at a time and one hug at a time.

One day at a time my friend 🙂

Pray now.

Thank you for reading and watching.

God bless you.

Maritza

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I Choose Blindness

It’s crazy how society criticizes someone like me.

Allow me to explain…

If a group of married women are talking about sex fantasies with different men and they were also talking about divorce. I noticed that to speak such things is viewed as normal and acceptable.

But…

If someone like me, married and committed to her husband, talks about choosing to be blind to…

  • Divorce
  • Other men aside from my husband
  • Porn
  • Sex toys
  • Strip clubs
  • Affairs

We are viewed as weird and abnormal. What’s worse is that I’m criticized for wanting to have a clean mind. I’m criticized for wanting to maintain a pure and wonderful marriage without the pollution of having other men in my mind.

Is there something wrong with wanting to create a marriage that does not rely on porn to “spice up the relationship” when it’s a lie, it really doesn’t make anything better in the long run.

Matthew 6:22-24

22 The eye is the lamp of the body. You draw light into your body through your eyes, and light shines out to the world through your eyes. So if your eye is well and shows you what is true, then your whole body will be filled with light. 23 But if your eye is clouded or evil, then your body will be filled with evil and dark clouds.

  • Is there something wrong with wanting to shut out third parties from my bond with my husband??
  • Is there something wrong with not supporting going to strip clubs to watch these poor women strip down and watch as they seduce my husband??
  • Is there really something wrong with not wanting to introduce sex toys into my marital sex life?
  • Is there really something wrong with wanting to keep our sex life free from painful sex acts?

Why are women like me criticized for choosing to be blind to all of this depravity?

The world is upside down I tell you. I won’t lie. There was a time when I thought that porn, sex toys and sexual fantasies with other men were normal, but the more I have come to understand the true beauty in marriage, in parenting and in growing a family and in our overall life, the more I come to find that it’s very far away from true love.

If you are like me. I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with choosing to protect your mind from being polluted with sexual thoughts that don’t involve your spouse.

There is nothing wrong with being careful with the images you choose to refrain from watching.

To get close to knowing what true love looks like is…

  • Subtracting anything that can come between you and your spouse.
  • Subtracting porn-saturated things because with time porn leads men, especially, to view women as objects that serve the purpose of satisfying selfish needs.
  • Subtracting the idea of divorce forces both people in a marriage to work on themselves thus improving the marriage
  • Subtracting the idea of having sex with other men eliminates the possibility of an affair taking place because affairs occur from a seed of a thought.

“Everything starts with a thought”

There is beauty and value in a woman who chooses to pursue a clean mind and pure heart. So, don’t feel alone sister. You are not alone. I’m with you and I too choose to be blind to all the lies and the garbage that our society tries to feed us. I fight everyday to keep my mind clean and my eyes focused on Christ. #ichooseblindness

Thank you for reading. God bless you.

Maritza


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Loving the Unlovable: Truth Part 3

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Marriage is a journey.
  • How in the world do you love someone who is so stubborn it irritates you?
  • How do we love someone who belittles us and our work?
  • How do we love someone who doesn’t see how much they hurt us?
  • How do we love someone who is selfish?
  • How do we love someone who is not interested in our needs?
  • How do we love someone who isn’t interested in getting to know who we are?

These are just some of the questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. Most importantly I’ve been praying and asking God these questions. In the midst of my current fast, I remembered that a year ago I had bought a book called The Love Dare.

I knew that I knew! That this was a God-given thought/reminder that at this stage in my life I desperately need to dare to love my husband.

“Dare to love the unlovable”

I was overcome by hope for a moment, but at the same time I knew that I will have to put in some work and do many things that I might not want to do. I know that in this season in my marriage, God wants to change my heart.

  • God wants to teach me how to have mercy when I do not want to.
  • God wants to teach me that love is a daily decision rather than an emotion.
  • God wants to teach me how to forgive my husband, but most importantly how to make it a lifestyle because my husband will always hurt me whether it’s intentional or unintentional. It’s inevitable so why not forgive regularly, but I must learn how to do so.
  • God wants to teach me that in order to have that strong, solid marriage processes are required for both of us to grow and mature, both spiritually and emotionally.

I believe that it’s time to fight for our marriages. It’s time that we change the huge statistics of broken homes. We need to understand that the process is necessary. Each life process is necessary.

  • Through our process God wants to make us strong.
  • Through our process God wants to show up in our weaknesses.
  • Through our processes God wants to build our character.
  • Through our processes God wants to increase our courage.
  • Through our processes God wants to show us how to love and how to trust in Him.

If you’re going through what I’m going through reach out to me. You’re not alone. Let’s do this love dare together. Woman! Your marriage is destined to show God’s love, mercy and power to the world.

“We must trust God’s plan for our lives”

Your marriage is worth it and it’s time to love the unlovable.

Thank you for reading and God bless!

Maritza


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P.S I will be sharing how it’s going as I complete the The Love Dare chapter by chapter. If you’ve decided to do it too, email me I would love to know how it’s going for you. This is a journey and should not have to do it alone.

Our Reality Affects Us

No matter how blessed we may be, our daily struggles will affect us.

I’m Christian and although I love my fellow Christians, I truthfully can’t stand those whom believe that if you have a relationship with God, you can’t feel sad, you can’t be discouraged nor face moments of loneliness or depression.
That’s just not true.

Today wasn’t a good day for me at all. I felt guilty that I had to leave my son on his tablet longer than usual and I just hate seeing him bored out of his mind day in and day out.

Before having my daughter Nina, we were so used to going out even if it was for a walk, but now with her arrival everything has obviously changed.

It hit me today that things will never be the same. It hit me that outings will be much more challenging from here on out. It hit me that I was alone most of my days and I miss my husband terribly when he’s not around.

As I cried and grieved about how life was prior to Nina. And as I cried about feeling alone at home, I couldn’t help, but feel guilty.

I felt guilty because despite my loneliness and the changes that I’m going through, I should be happy about staying at home with my kids. I should be happy because I have the privilege of raising both of my kids full-time.

And then I realized something… just because I have my moments of sadness doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for what God has given me. Just because I’m blessed in many ways, doesn’t mean that these small moments of loneliness won’t affect me. Just because I’m Christian doesn’t mean that I’m supposed to be happy all the time to demonstrate my gratefulness.

I prayed. I asked God to forgive me if I’ve been ungrateful and thanked Him for the adventures and new memories that lie ahead. I thanked him for giving me the gift of being my kids first audience, for giving me a front row seat during their childhood.

So, if you’ve felt like me and have even felt guilty for feeling bad or feeling lonely or for allowing yourself to get overwhelmed, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay.

It’s okay to grieve the life you had prior to your newborn. It’s okay to feel lonely or even depressed. Even if you haven’t had a baby recently this is also for you. Never feel guilty for allowing yourself be consumed by the blues. It happens and God isn’t looking down upon you disappointed at your feelings. God isn’t accusing you of being ungrateful.

Now, allow yourself the time to release all those emotions. You’re emotions are meant to be released. Each emotion has a physical response. It’s healthy to grieve. It’s healthy to cry. It’s healthy to let it all out as long as you’re not harming yourself or anyone else.

Once it’s out, declare God’s word upon your life. Begin to declare joy, declare fullness and prosperity in every area of your life, declare blessings…

Encourage yourself. Encourage yourself with God’s word. Pray and rejoice because God is with you. Everything in life is by seasons and each season has its process. Know that your current season or process has an end, and the ending of anything in Christ is always favorable. 

So, next time you feel guilty, shake it off, allow yourself to release that good cry and keep seeking for God’s joy and guidance.

Be blessed sister. The best is ahead of you.

Thank you for reading.

Leggings: why not?

Someone approached me the other day and asked me why I always wear my high-waisted leggings.

Uh…. Hello! Why not wear leggings?! I just gave birth, my pre-pregnancy clothes don’t fit and my pregnancy clothes obviously don’t fit me. And to top it off, I’m always home taking care of my two kids lol

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So, why not leggings?!

I was so upset at the question because this woman knows that I just had a kid, I’m barely getting any sleep, I’m breastfeeding on demand… I mean what else am I supposed to wear lol

Am I supposed to wear heels and a dress everyday?! Uh I don’t think so!

Why are some women so fixated on looking good and decked out all the time?

Is it really necessary especially when we are cooking, cleaning and running errands.

I must confess I would love to wear a nice pair of jeans, but I feel so physically busted because my stomach isn’t back to how it was pre-pregnancy that it’s impossible for my jeans to fit me well right now. Also, I haven’t lost all the weight that I have wanted to lose so the cute pair of shorts that I once wore can’t even go past my hips! :/

For now, so what if my leggings are my go to bottoms?!

I don’t like waist trainers, as this person suggested me to wear under my clothes, they’re too darn uncomfortable. Why not let me be?

There is nothing wrong with leggings sisters.
Don’t let anyone make you feel less just because you don’t match their standards.

For a moment she did make me feel worse about appearance. I began to second guess myself. I thought to myself, “maybe I should wear a dress and maybe shoes with small heel” “maybe I should wear a waist trainer so that my stomach won’t sag.”

So many thoughts crossed my mind. I allowed her comments to make me feel bad about my appearance, but I shook it off immediately.

The reality is that we do have to take care of our appearance and try to look nice, especially for our husbands, but not to the extreme of wearing heels and full on makeup everyday. Again there is nothing wrong with wearing leggings!

Those are my two cents for the day!

Thank you for reading. God bless!

I’ve cried: Truth Part 2

Being married isn’t easy, but deep in my heart I know that the struggles are worth it.

I wanted to share certain truths about how I’ve felt in my marriage because I know that many of you may go through the same things, but silence can easily eat you alive. Or worse, it can lead you to cheat, to lust over other men and to become bitter.

I’m a stay at home mom and that alone sounds unproductive. When people think of  stay at home moms, they think of the “at home” part and automatically picture a woman lying in bed watching Netflix all day. That’s far from reality. The reality is that we stay at home moms work more while being at home than working at an office. We don’t have any days off, any breaks and we never get to clock out.

This whole “stay at home mom” thing has been an issue in my marriage. Like many men, my husband thought that me staying home meant me relaxing and sleeping all day. So, I’ve tried so many times to show him all the hard work that I do around the apartment, in addition to going to school, taking care of our son Nathan and now Nina, and having worked a part-time at home, but he has never seemed to believe that I too work hard. He as always made it known through his harsh sarcasm and indirect jokes. All of which hurt me.

I’ve CRIED so many times because all I’ve wanted is for my husband to admire me and value the fact that I want to raise my children and not hand them off to a random purpose at a daycare. So often, my husband makes me feel like raising children isn’t significant work. I’ve CRIED, because he makes me feel invisible. I’ve CRIED because being a stay at home mom is part of who I am right now and since he rejects that part of me, it feels like he’s rejecting me as a whole.

“Some men place higher value in wives that work and make money than in those that choose to raise their children at home”

We all desire admiration especially from our husbands. We want to be valued and praised for our hard work, but the truth is that we will go unnoticed by the people closest to us.

“By serving your husband and your children you are serving the Lord. It is a form of worship. Remember that your family is your first ministry” 

If you feel unappreciated at this season in your life, I’m here to tell you that when no one sees all the hard work that you do, God sees it all. You are loved and admired by our heavenly Father. God sees your tears, your hurt and pain. God sees your heart and he knows your desires, all too well. Woman, if you’re reading this is because God wants you to know that your pain isn’t in vain. Everything in life is a process and out of a hard process comes a great purpose. Maybe at this season in your life your issue is related to feeling underappreciated like me, but I know that I know that God isn’t done with my husband and neither is he done with my marriage. Therefore, know that he isn’t done with you either.

“Everything in life is a process and every process has its purpose

Everyone wants the exceptional husband and the great marriage, but we fail to see that for anything to grow and evolve it requires a process. If we want that wonderful marriage, unfortunately or fortunately, there will be a process and in that process we will experience pain. Pain and hurt are inevitable.

“Marriage is the foundation of a family”

I encourage you to decide to do things differently as of today.

Know your worth. Ask God to show you the beautiful person that you are inside. Know that you are valuable.

In my case, I’ve decided to see my husband through the eyes of mercy. I’ve decided to love by forgiving. I’ve decided to accept that we are all flawed and that we all make mistakes. Choose to see the blessing it is, to have your husband by your side. our husbands might not be perfect, but they do have good qualities, so let’s choose to see them and remind ourselves of them.

“DARE to Love like God LOVES”

KNOW that God is working in all of us who have called onto Him as Lord and Savior. Know your worth. Know that you are valuable to the King. Know that your work is meaningful.

“As a stay at home moms we are raising the next generation of soldiers for Christ”

The journey isn’t over yet. God has more in store for you and your marriage. Even though this chapter in your life may consist of marital hardships, know that God is still writing your story and you will have your happy ending in Jesus name, Amen.

You’re not alone sister!

God bless you and thank you for reading.

Maritza


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Christian Marriage: Truth Part 1

We are in the car, my husband is driving and the kids are fast asleep. I’m looking out the window thinking about all the things that I want to achieve this year. My thoughts were interrupted by the redundant music that my husband kept playing.

At that moment I noticed three things.

  • Song after song, they all had something in common. They were “reaggaeton songs. Although I like certain songs in this genre, “sex” tends to be the central theme. And it’s not like these men are rapping about making love to their lovely wives lol These songs portray women as mere sex objects. The lyrics are degrading towards women.
  • As the songs continued on and my husband kept driving, I also noticed he has become comfortable with cursing again.
  • The cursing came out so naturally as he yelled at the car that cut him off, but in that moment I noticed the third flaw that kind of scared me. There was rage in his voice. Not anger, but rage. There is a huge difference between the two.

Now, this might seem silly to many of you reading this. It might even be normal to many of you, but to us, this is definitely not our norm. It’s quite disappointing. It’s almost like taking a step backwards.

There was a point in time when cursing and not caring about what I listened to, was normal. But that’s not the case anymore. Getting to know God and God’s heart throughout my spiritual journey has changed me inside out. I now see that what we listen to affects the way we think and it influences our behavior. How we speak reflects the condition of our spirit and our heart. That being said, being a woman of faith has really changed me and it’s placed me on this spiritual journey where all I want to pursue is to be the woman that God has called me to be. So to hear my husband curse was a bit of an unpleasant surprise. To hear him listen to sex music back to back, saddened me for many reasons.

All of this is troubling because if you look on the surface his choice of music, his language and his behavior is an indication of what’s going on in his heart. For me to see different and negative changes is worrisome.

A year ago God showed me that what we choose as form of entertainment traps us. The word entertainment is composed of two words. Enter and detain. So when you are being entertained, whatever it is that is entertaining you, enters you and detains. Detainment can cause you to remain in a negative state of mind which will influence your behavior. So, we need to be careful with what we choose as form of entertainment. For it will detain us and begin pricking at our mind. 

As a christian wife who is constantly seeking for ways to be renewed by God, it’s so easy to lose hope in believing that God can renew my husband’s mind and change even the smallest of character flaws. The renewal of his heart seems impossible to me. The other reason why this is an impossible to me because this just adds to the list of things that he  already has to work on. That being said, Christian marriages are not perfect, but we have assurance that God is working in us and through us.

I share this in hopes that if you’re a Christian wife and you’re husband is negatively changing or diverting back to his old ways…

It’s time to pray. It’s time to believe the impossible.

It’s time to intercede. It’s time to ask God to bring to the light any problems that may be hidden. It’s not time to lose hope in our husbands, but rather place our hope in the Lord. It’s easier said then done, but we have to fight for our marriages.

It’s time to believe in God and the condition of man.

“God wants us to love the unlovable”

God isn’t done with your journey! You’re standing in the middle of your greatest testimony which means that their is an end to this process. Your pain is not in vain. Keep praying and keep seeking. God is with you!

Thank you for reading. God bless.

Maritza


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Little Women in Need

As I continue to write my book I can’t help, but think about all the teenagers and young women that will read it. So many young girls walking around with identity and insecurity issues and no solution. So, they turn to what they see on social media as quick confidence fixes.

I see many young girls in need of love. In need of attention. In need of real friendships. In need of affirmation and encouragement.

  • Yet you turn to fake friendships just to feel a sense of belonging.
  • You turn to guys and pointless dates to feel significant.
  • You invest in unhealthy relationships just to feel loved.
  • You walk around half-naked to feel admired.
  • You place much emphasis on your outer appearance because the admiration of many eyes gives you a sense of worth and adds value to who you are.

Little woman, you are much more than the clothes you wear and the makeup that you slap on your face.

Your worth isn’t found in outward things.

Your source of value and identity should not be product centered.

Your source of confidence should not be dependent on the opinions of others.

Raw confidence is found in turning to that little girl deep inside you and facing those deepest, darkest wounds.

It’s healing from the negative comments that you heard about you when you were young.

Perhaps your parents called you names out of love yet they may have been hurtful to you.

Maybe they gave you a nickname that negatively targeted a body part. Boys probably made fun of you for what they considered a physical flaw. Perhaps your disability caused many people to constantly stare at you and make fun of you.

Whatever the case may be. Look into the mirror and speak to that little girl deep inside whose hurting and longing for approval. Know that you can pray and ask God in that moment to heal you. To free you from that jail of discontent with yourself that has kept you sad and bitter for such a long time.

  • It’s time to grieve that old you and welcome a new you. I know that there is an image that you hold onto of who you want to become. Hold onto that image and pursue it.

Healing from past wounds is key to loving yourself and to gain self-esteem, but to heal you must confront.

  • To continue on that healing journey it is important that you seek for God to find your true identity. Read God’s word, for in it you will discover that you were created with a purpose and slowly discovering that purpose will launch you to experiencing raw confidence.
  • When you know that all your struggles can serve someone else as encouragement. When you know that every one of your setbacks can be a perfect platform for you greatest comebacks. When you can understand that life does not happen to you, it happens for you. When you can understand that your greatest disadvantages can be the tools that God needs to use to prosper you. When you know that you were created with a plan in mine. Then you have the proper foundations to building a life that you will be proud of.
  • Having a solid identity will lead you to loving yourself and most importantly it will take you to experience a level of confidence that will be grounded on what you think of yourself than what others think of you. The opinion of others won’t matter as much. You will be free.
  • Healing, discovering your purpose and knowing your identity in Christ will lead you to loving yourself.

Raw confidence is not product centered. It’s purpose centered.

Thank you for reading and God bless!

-Maritza


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Stay tuned for the release of my book where I will share some of the most craziest, darkest experiences that I went through in my teenage years and young adulthood, all because I had not healed from my past and was only in touch with the confidence that I borrowed from watching other girls around me.

The Perfection Standard

I used to believe in perfection.

The problem is that we believe so much in perfection that we become perfectionists and we fail to notice that its doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as perfection. Unconsciously, setting this fake standard has left me in a state of paralysis at different seasons in my life.

The fear of not meeting this fraudulent standard has paralyzed me from pursuing goals thus delaying the realization of many dreams.

There are many books that I haven’t finished out of fear of them not being perfectly written. There are many book ideas and projects that I’ve never developed out of fear that its structure wouldn’t be perfect. Heck, there are still many times that I stop myself from writing many blog posts out of fear of the feedback that I will receive.

There is a gap.

Meeting our own perfection standard is what’s in between fear and action.

This perfection standard has been an infection that’s spread to many areas of my life. I speak of this because I wonder how many of you have felt this way in the past or may feel this way now.

We have just entered a new year. A new beginning is before us. It is a chance for us to breakdown this standard of perfection, and walk over it, in pursuit of the things that we want to attain this year.

It’s time that you forget about being perfect or perfectly executing goals, because this isn’t a real belief or expectation. There needs to be a mind shift.

This new year you must accept that many failures are coming. In fact, you may face more failures than victories. But, I have good news. Our greatest lessons are found in our failures.

The beauty of failure and falling down, is that the choice to get back up and continue the walk, is entirely up to you. Every time I failed to eat a healthy meal I had two options, either beat myself up for it, or make sure that my next meal was a healthy one.

In many of my falls, I discovered that it didn’t matter how many times I fell off as long as I got up and got back on track.

As you set your goals and you plan out how you will achieve them, keep in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect plan or perfect execution. Realistically, take into account that your plans will not always go as you foresee them. There will be twists and turns. There will be failed tests and exams. Many times you will turn down healthy meals. Many times you will wake up late when you indeed planned to get up early. Many times you will pass by Starbucks even though you promised yourself you would stay away from coffee for a month. There will be times where you will tell yourself that the picture you posted would’ve been better or the video that you uploaded onto YouTube could’ve had better content. You could’ve looked better for that important interview or there was so much more valuable information that you could’ve shared at your interview.

 

Whatever it is, you get the point.

You will never be perfect. You will never have perfect plans. There will never be perfect execution. There will always be something that you would’ve done better or plans that could’ve unraveled better.

But, note!

Everything happens for a reason. The fact that you aren’t perfect will lead you to make the best mistakes of your life. It’s in our mistakes that we improve. Key word, improve!

To improve means that there is a better you, that you have yet to see.

The journey to building yourself is one of discovery and fulfillment. To accept that you need to improve means that you still have many more experiences to live out, and many fears to conquer. All which will drive you to become that person you dream of becoming.

The beauty is in the journey towards improvement.

To understand that there will always be room for improvement should be liberating.

Break free from the standard of perfection. Always give your best. Always be kind. Always be joyful. Always take the time to see the good in others. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Know that you aren’t perfect, but each day make the decisions that will get you a step closer to that person that you want to become.

Keep pressing forward. Forget about being perfect. It’s time to be bold. Be free!

Thank you for reading and God bless.


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Birth Story: Birthing Nina

Giving birth to Nina was an unforgettable experience.

It was a completely different experience from giving birth to Nathan. I’m not sure if my birth stories were so memorable because they were completely natural labors (no epidural, zero drugs), but what I do know is that these experiences have brought me closer to my sisters, my mom and my husband.

Giving birth to Nathan was a beautiful and thrilling because my first birthing experience. With Nathan I was in was in labor for 37 hours and the contractions felt unbearable. It’s rather normal to assume that on my first birthing experience I would have been fearful at the thought of pushing, but it was quite the opposite for me. I never once feared the ring of fire, as they call it. In fact, it was extremely surprising to me that I felt strong and fearless. I never questioned whether I could go through with it.

However, giving birth to Nina was an opposite experience.

First of all, the gender was unknown to all of us so that in itself made the birth experience that much more exhilarating.

And secondly, I thought it would be a piece of cake this second time so I felt invincibly ready…………………………………..Boy, was I wrong!

I arrived at the maternity center with my mom, Nathan and my husband at about 4 a.m. The midwife proceeded with a vaginal check and to our surprise I was 5cm dilated. We were so pleased that I was halfway dilated because to me that meant that I would dilate rapidly to 10 cm, which meant a quicker labor of course. Soon after my midwife checked me, she asked me to choose the room that I wanted to give birth in. I chose the blue room and we hurriedly unloaded our things and settled in.

The hours passed, and it was about 10 a.m. when my two sisters arrived. You don’t understand. My sisters have been my personal doulas (lol) for both of my births and their presence have made both experiences extra special. I don’t know how I would’ve done it without their emotional and physical support. My sisters were my greatest comfort in the moments when I felt like giving up. Not to belittle or depreciate my husband’s presence, but as women at that moment we shared something in common, the gift of birthing.

This second time around, active labor, seemed tolerable, however, mentally I felt weak. It was so different from Nathan’s birth experience. This time I allowed fear to consume my thoughts. Many times, I doubted whether I could go through with pushing my baby out. I was fearful at the thought of the baby tearing me. The fear was so intense at one some points that I would fight the pain instead of ease into it.

There was a point, where I became so worried at the thought of the baby coming out of me, that I contemplated having someone take me to the hospital for a C-section, but those thoughts were quickly deleted from my thoughts through the encouragement that my sisters provided me. Their words would always bring me back to reality. Having my son there helped tons as well. Listening to him pray for me provided me with the boost of solace that I needed. I knew I had to be strong for him and the baby that was on the way to making his or her appearance to our world.

I had to get this baby out no matter what!

It was about 8:00 p.m. when my midwife walked in and told me that it was time to push. I didn’t want to lay down to push because it felt uncomfortable. So, I decided to try to push while sitting on my husband’s lap.

Oh, was I happy, but secretly terrified inside.

The contractions came and as soon as I felt the urge to push, which feels like the urge to take the biggest dump of life, all I wanted to do was get into my pushing zone. I closed my eyes tight and screamed out of pain as I pushed as hard as I could each time.

With each contraction I would close my eyes tighter and tighter. I remember my sister holding on to me and I clearly recall her telling me “Mari, her head is out!” As soon as I heard those words I felt this new wave of courage to push harder. All I could think of was coming face to face with my baby.

I wanted to know if I was going to be holding my princess or prince.

What a special moment it was on that last push!!!

I felt the baby’s head come out and then the rest of the body, literally slipped out. I was in bit of a shock and immersed in a trance of joy. I grabbed my baby, we were all crying and all I heard was…

“It’s a girl!!!” My husband kept repeating it.

We were all so elated and in tears. I looked at her face and knew her name was Nina.

My mom opened the door, and I think I’ll always remember the image of tears running down her face, and an expression of glee I had never seen in her before. We told her that the baby is a girl. She was ecstatic! She ran out to tell my dad who was waiting outside.

As they cleaned up my baby girl, while I was still carrying her, they had my son come into the room to cut the umbilical cord. He was confused, but he understood that I had pushed the baby out into our world. So, it seemed like a natural experience for all of us. Not sure if he really paid attention to all the bloody mess that was underneath me, but I he seemed happy to finally see the baby we all talked so much about.

Once, they cut the umbilical cord and transferred me to the bed so that I could breastfeed the baby. I was happy that the birthing experience was coming to its end, all that needed to be done at that point was to push out the placenta and get stitched up if needed. My midwife asked me to push one last time as soon as I felt a contraction coming, to remove the placenta, but none came. That’s when she attempted to pull at it and when she did it didn’t budge. She concluded that the placenta was stuck.

I freaked out!

I felt a lot of blood leaking out of me and I remember asking her, “is that blood that keeps pouring out?” I was fearful because I don’t recall having so much blood rush out of me at my first labor. It was then that she told me she would have to call an ambulance and take me to Jackson North Hospital because if she pulled out my placenta and I lost more blood I would need a blood transfusion.

The ambulance came, and my husband accompanied me while my sister followed us to the hospital. Both Nathan and Nina stayed with my mom.

I remember arriving at the hospital not knowing what would happen next. It was comforting to see my midwife as she arrived shortly after we did. Just knowing that she was there made me feel safe and confident that everything would be fine.

I recall losing a lot of blood and blacking out. I found out my iron level was extremely low. Critical even.

As soon as the doctor came in and removed my placenta I was extremely relieved to know everything was finally over. In the end, my placenta was out, I only got 1 stitch and I was ready to get some rest.
The next day I woke up anxiously waiting to get back to the maternity center to see my daughter and son.


Once I was reunited with my daughter as well as my son, all was better. Within a few hours after that, I was able to go home with my tribe.

Although I experienced many moments of fear and doubt throughout the entire birth experience, I knew deep in my heart that God had a plan, so I knew that all would be fine in the end.

Now, it’s January 2, 2018, 7:10 p.m. and I’m feeling blessed and grateful to be a mommy to two cute cubs.

Thank you for reading and God bless!


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